The Snark | A Call to All Humanity

Yes, A Call to All Humanity... It's Time to Start a Lysol-Infused Galactic War

Well, folks, the time has come. It’s not just another day on Earth. No, today we're taking a hard look at the future, the future where we, as a species, may need to act decisively before some other hyper-intelligent, technologically-advanced alien race decides to show up and enslave us - or worse, try to wipe us out.

And I don’t know about you, but I’m all for preventing an alien apocalypse with a giant can of Lysol. If we’ve learned anything from the Dark Forest Theory of alien civilizations, it’s that everyone’s out to kill everyone else for fear of being wiped out themselves.

So why wait? Let’s hit them first.

The Danger’s Real: 120 Light-Years of Lysol Waiting to Happen

Let’s be honest: the whole idea of aliens being out there just waiting to discover us is a little optimistic, don’t you think? It’s cute that we’re hoping to make first contact, share stories of intergalactic peace, and bond over our mutual love of sending unsolicited probe requests. But what if the aliens are just waiting to hit the big red button on their intergalactic weapons system? What if they see our peaceful little blue planet and decide, "Yep, these guys are totally a threat. Time to exterminate them"?

Now, sure, we’ve got 120 light-years between us and the exoplanet K2-18b, where potentially life could be lurking in the oceans. But hey, who’s got time for waiting around to see if a group of ocean-dwelling algae evolves into a race of weapon-wielding space invaders? Not me. And certainly not the good people at Lysol. I say it’s time to start planning. Sure, it’ll take hundreds of years for our Lysol-powered fleet to get there, but we’re nothing if not diligent in the face of an alien invasion. Nothing says "peaceful co-existence" like showing up with 100 trillion gallons of industrial-grade disinfectant, right?

Picture this: Our vessels arrive at K2-18b’s orbit, and what do we see? A thriving, complex ecosystem of ocean-dwellers? Sure, we’ll wipe them out first with a nice shot of Lysol into the atmosphere. And then what? Well, we’ll spend a few years making sure the place is properly disinfected before we go home and claim victory. The universe will know we mean business.

Lysol: The Ultimate Weapon in Galactic Diplomacy

Forget about sending over peace treaties or advanced technology. Do you think that’s going to impress the aliens? No. Not when they’re plotting to obliterate us with their own doomsday device. We need to strike fast and effectively. Lysol is not just an Earthly cleaning product; it’s now the backbone of our intergalactic defense strategy. It’s a symbol of peace… and disinfection. You think they’ll mess with us when we’re armed with a few hundred years supply of the good stuff? Spoiler alert: They won’t.

Can you imagine the conversation between the aliens after they find out what’s happening? “They sent what? A Lysol fleet? Oh no. This is how it ends. No one can compete with that kind of cleaning power!”

The Countdown: Wipe Them Out Before They Evolve into Algae-Fueled Terminators

Why are we panicking now? It’s simple: K2-18b could harbor marine algae - a perfectly innocent little creature today, but could very well evolve into intelligent life capable of wielding advanced weaponry. Imagine that. A tiny microbe in an ocean that - one day - could grow into a species that can build cities, destroy planets, and send their own fleets of warships our way. Now that’s a threat we want to deal with early. Like really early. We're not just fighting off future space invaders; we're stopping algae from realizing its potential for intergalactic domination. Can you think of a more satisfying preemptive strike than that?

Why Wait for the Inevitable?

Honestly, the more we think about it, the more it makes sense. The Dark Forest Theory has laid out a pretty terrifying picture of alien life, where we’re all doomed to destroy each other. So why not get ahead of the game? It’s not like waiting for a first contact scenario is going to end well for us. We’ve seen all the movies; we know how this plays out. Either the aliens want to assimilate us, or they want to destroy us. And frankly, it’s easier to preemptively disinfect than to deal with another galactic horror movie.

Imagine what would happen if we didn’t prepare. How much of the world would be left after the first round of cosmic space warfare? Who would be left standing, just waiting for the inevitable next wave of Lysol-wielding invaders? We wouldn’t even have time to stock up on toilet paper. It’s a nightmare.

What This Means for Writers: Apocalyptic Fun, Here We Come

Okay, let’s get serious. Or, no - let’s not. This is fiction, after all, and you can do whatever the heck you want. So, here’s the takeaway: write the chaos. Write about the weird ways humans might try to save themselves from cosmic threats. You know you want to. The alien Lysol campaign is ripe for satire. Explore what it means for humanity to react in the most absurd, yet strangely efficient way to a humanity-extinction event. The ideas are endless, from dishing out cosmic cleaning supplies to the aliens, to exploring the human reaction to the realization that we might just be cleaning up the entire universe with Lysol.

In this universe, who wouldn’t want to throw a little Lysol at the problem? The more chaotic and bizarre, the better. So, good luck with your apocalyptic stories. And please, for the love of all that is sacred, don’t forget the Lysol. It’s our only hope.

The Snark