A Hamster Funeral? Hold My Beer.
Let’s start with a quick reality check: if you think Alchemy is just about deep creative insights, think again. In the latest episode, “Take Me to Your Writer, Part 2: Writing the Otherworldly,” Tim and LeeAnna start with a hamster funeral. Yes, you read that right. It’s not exactly the traditional opening for an episode on aliens, but hey, this is Alchemy we’re talking about. Tim recounts the tear-jerking saga of Nippy, the hamster that passed away, and the rather unorthodox process of giving Nippy a pet cremation. It’s $80 for the cremation and $120 for an urn. That’s right, you heard it—$120 for an urn for a hamster. When did we decide that pet funerals needed to break the bank? Sure, the whole situation is heart-wrenching and bizarre, but Tim and LeeAnna handle it with their signature mix of dark humor and relatable absurdity.
It’s a solid start to an episode that promises more strangeness. Because if we’ve learned anything from Alchemy, it’s that no conversation is complete without a healthy dose of irreverence. Also, seriously, when did hamster funerals become this elaborate?
The Xir: The Alien You’ll Love to Hate... and Hate to Love
Now, onto the aliens. We start with my dive into the world of the Xir, an alien species as terrifying as it is thought-provoking, delivers what we all crave folks: deep moral dread wrapped in a shiny sci-fi bow. The Xir are like that one relative who shows up at family gatherings, stares at you with judgmental eyes, and asks, “Have you truly reflected on your past mistakes?”
These aliens, straight out of the imagination of yours truly, come from a dying, barren planet and are so terrified of the outside world that they hide in fear of being wiped out by more advanced species. But here’s the kicker: they are telepathic. The Xir don’t just speak to you—they project your deepest, darkest fears directly into your mind. One moment, you’re sipping tea; the next, you're trapped in a mental horror show with all your regrets and failures flashing before you like an emotional apocalypse. Imagine that moment when you’ve had just enough of the whole self-improvement thing, but instead of Netflix, you get an existential crisis wrapped in alien telepathy.
This is where the Xir shine—if you can stomach their moral dread. These aliens make us look inward, forcing us to confront humanity’s flaws and deepest insecurities. The Xir aren’t about taking over your planet. No, they’re about making sure you see the worst parts of yourself—before you, you know, implode under the weight of it all. Because who doesn’t need a little self-reflection courtesy of an alien race?
Moral Dread: Check.
Telepathic Projection of Fear: Double check.
Existential Crisis: You bet.
The Xir are here to help you embrace your worst self, whether you like it or not.
My Other Xir: Just Here for the Snacks
But, let’s be real, who wants a terrifying, existentially crushing alien when you could have... this?
I’m delighted to introduce you to the other Xir—a much more relatable, snack-obsessed version of the terrifying Xir. Picture this: the Xir show up on Earth not to dominate, but to kick back, relax, and grab a snack. Forget mind-bending existential reflections; these aliens are just here for the pumpkin spice lattes and to question whether reality TV counts as culture. Their planet’s a crumbling mess, and they’re more interested in binge-watching your planet’s finest trash TV than starting an intergalactic war.
These Xir have been around long enough to perfect the art of the passive-aggressive telepathic message. “Do you really need to keep talking about the weather?” or “Maybe try not giving that toxic ex a call. You deserve better.” Who knew that intergalactic invaders could be so... indifferent? This version of my Xir are here for the snacks, not the destruction. They hover around Earth, offering life advice like they’re the overzealous aunt at your family reunion.
It’s the perfect commentary on humanity: lazy, obsessed with minor things, and always just a little too into the latest trends. This Xir doesn’t want to conquer Earth—they just want to offer unsolicited relationship advice and make sure your WiFi works better than theirs. Don’t expect any grand speeches or threats. They’ll probably leave before they even finish their latte.
The Theory of My Wonders: Aliens, but Make It Existential
In the middle of all this cosmic hilarity and dread, Tim takes a moment to dive his The Theory of My Wonders and its take on animatronic aliens. Now, these aliens aren’t the terror-filled creatures of my Xir. Oh no, they’re fake. And they’re here to remind us that even the most frightening creatures in the universe can be reduced to cheap, mechanical representations in a museum.
Tim reads an excerpt from his book where characters explore a museum of alien creatures—creatures that are incredibly “realistic” in their animatronic form, but lacking any true life or purpose. These beings mirror humanity’s constant quest for meaning in a world that’s increasingly artificial. You thought you were facing a giant, menacing alien? Surprise—it’s just a robot in a display case.
It’s a subtle, existential commentary: sometimes the things we fear most—whether they be alien invaders, demons, or existential dread itself—are just reflections of our inner monsters. The world isn’t really as terrifying as we think. But as Tim points out, these fake aliens are just there to reflect the emotional monsters inside us—because really, we are the most terrifying thing in the universe.
Final Thoughts: Writers, Pay Attention
As the episode winds down, Tim and LeeAnna leave us with some thoughts for writers, urging them to think about how their characters confront their mortality. If your characters knew they had one day left to live, what would they do? (And what about you, buddy?) This philosophical question ties together the aliens, the moral dread, and even the hamster funeral: it’s all about how we face the inevitable end—and how we might write our characters into the corner of their own existential crisis.
The Snark
Official podcast name: "Alchemy... from Effigy Press" (don't forget the ellipsis, folks)
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